I'm hurt and I want to hurt back
I am wounded and I lick my wounds
I am bitter and resentful
and full of anger.
How hard it is to forgive
Even though I am forgiven
I find that I don't want to let go
Of all the bitterness inside.
It's somehow easier to hold the hatred
in my hand and examine it closely
Each day to take it out again
and turn it over and over
To think and reframe and analyse
To plan the nasty retorts
and counter attacks and volleys
of putdowns and missiles of my own.
But you tell me to lay it down
to put it at your feet
to give it all to you and back away
leaving it there in front of you.
You want me to be free of the hardness
and hurting and scowling -
the darkness and hatefulness and spite
to let the breeze of your spirit blow through me.
To stop clenching and holding the hurt
to stop brooding and probing
but open my fists and allow you
to take it from the palm of my hand.
So I lay my anger at your throne
take doubtful steps backwards
but I itch to take it up again
to snatch it back so that I can plot revenge
In words or deeds or thoughts
Just to be even, to stick up for myself
Not to be a victim, hurt, defeated -
Why do I care so much?
You tell me I am different
I don't need to win.
Leave it with you
The battle is not mine but yours
So here it is.
The hurt and the anger and the resentment
I lay it before you
Have it. Take it away
I don't want it any more
I don't want my hands to be so full of rubbish
that I can't hold the gift you want to give me;
For I need to forgive
as you have forgiven me
and suddenly it is clear
I need to find a way to let it go.
Because you forgave me.
You died for me when I didn't care
I hurt you far more than I am hurt
Yet you go on forgiving.
So I give up my rage
and you take it from me
I say 'I forgive'
and you help me keep my word.
It turns out I don't miss the hatred
and the bitterness I was gripping
so tightly that my knuckles were white
I don't miss it at all.
Where it was is light and open and bright
in red and orange and yellow and green and blue
instead of black and grey and brown
There's warmth and sun instead of hard and cold.
A small transaction
And they will never know it
Not that they would understand if they did
Or care the slightest bit.
But for me it is a gift
Another blessing from my God
who teaches me to live my life
Thankyou for helping me forgive.
It was a big thing for me.
I had no idea how big
but you knew.